Verb IV - trigger warning for cutting and suicidal thoughts

Trigger Warning: Cutting, Suicidal Thoughts

This was not easy to share. I fully expect that this won't be easy to read. But it's okay.

Cutting

"Thighs"

The problem is in my brain. Frozen in place on my bedroom floor, this is the soundtrack of my head:

cant breathe im so tired end this end this kill yourself no you need to work get up move i cant yes you can text someone no text someone okay theyll just make you feel guilty why shouldnt i cut it helps everything it turns off my brain i wish my brain would be quiet so many problems so many questions is anyone listening do people see the way i see where did the colors go why did you say that earlier youre such an idiot such a failure you shouldnt be in this program not good enough i am so alone i want to cut i shouldnt cut my legs are itching for new scars i wouldnt have to tell anyone they wouldnt have to know no stop i cant cut ive been doing so well almost ten days no cutting you know where the blades are hidden they would be easy to find what about him what will he think no this is for you do the pros outweigh the cons yes they do i need to function to work i need to function for school i need to be normal i need to be normal i need to be normal stop crying stop crying breathe 

 And for a moment I am calm, but I know it won't last--my broken record continues to play.

why are you alive why is anyone alive what is the purpose of this living thing how do we know people why cant i ever fully know someone why cant i ever be fully known i love them so much but they would be better off without me i wish i were dead so sad Sad capital s is this what virginia woolf felt like "i know i am spoiling your life" my brain wont stop why am i alive if i am so sad and useless the crazy one on medication and in therapy give up now kill yourself kill yourself for their sakes do other people think about killing themselves like i do it feels like i have always had thoughts of death is this not normal words are amazing the fact that we can communicate with other people via sounds and symbols oh god i just want to help people but i cant even take care of myself not good enough not good enough make the pain stop you need to function function function release release go no i cant yes you can cut yourself cut yourself its alright it helps remember its a temporary fix to the problem of living a survival technique you are craving the pain and the blood and the scars function function function function stop crying breathe cut cut cut

There. Once I have made the decision, calmness washes over me in anticipation. I locate my blade. I remove my tights. Last week's cuts, pink and still raised, are barely healed. 

I cut. First the right leg. Then the left. Perfect horizontal lines of blood appear on my thighs. 

My brain quiets at the first hint of pain. Fueling this addiction. I don't care. My brain is silenced.

I admire the angry red lines.

It's not enough.

Horizontal lines complete this piece of art, making perfect red graph paper on my now throbbing stinging beautiful legs. 

I am calm. I can think. Some of the colors are back. I can function. Function.

After appreciating the new scars for a few minutes, I put my tights back on. The blood is smeared by the nylon and I know that when I remove them in the evening, my tights will stick to my legs and reopen the new cuts. I wash my blade. Return it to the useless hiding spot. 

I am fine I am fine I am fine.

I return to my day-to-day activities, a smile plastered on my face and my legs smarting. 

My brain makes no comment.

_____________________________

This short story is an example of what I experienced on a daily basis during fall quarter and some of winter quarter. Cutting is an addiction that I used to cope with anxiety attacks, emotional pain, and suicidal thoughts. And like an addiction, it has taken a lot of effort to stop self-harming. I have learned many other coping methods. I have spent many a nights crying on the floor, longing to cut but choosing not to. I have had my roommates hide matches and other pointy objects. 

Best of all, I have finally come to my--my--own conclusion: I do not want to self-harm anymore. For myself. Not for anyone else. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Self-harm. I deserve better.

Some days, I still struggle with urges to cut; triggers are a threat I cannot always anticipate. Luckily, I have become quite excellent at urge-surfing and have a helpful system in place. 

A sealed envelope containing my blades.
I have to  complete every task before I am
allowed to open the envelope, the point being
that I won't want to cut after doing every activity

If you're still reading, I want to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be honest about my struggles on this blog. Your kind thoughts have been encouraging and have helped in my healing process. I never thought this blog would become such an outlet for communication, creativity, and health. I never intended to be so honest and transparent either. 

Lastly, if you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, there is hope. Love on them. Love yourself. Don't try and make them stop. It doesn't work. Be there. Listen. Encourage. Your scars do not make you any less beautiful or any less of a person. You will survive this.

Resources:

Help Guide: Self Injury

To Write Love On Her Arms

Psychology Today

Suicide and Crisis Hotlines

National

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-8255

King County

(206) 461-3222

Seattle Mental Health
(206) 224-2840
Community Psychiatric Clinic
(206) 461-3614
Seattle Counseling Service
For Sexual Minorities
(206) 323-0220
1-800-527-7683

Everett
Volunteers of America
Care Crisis Line
(425) 258-4357
1-800-584-3578