A prayer for balance

In my Information and Social Context class, we had a guest speaker from the other section of the course. David Levy, an iSchool professor, spoke about his article "No Time To Think."

One of his life goals has been to find the balance between the fast world (computer sciences, the university, research, publishing, etc.) and the slow world (meditating, reading, book binding and calligraphy, etc.). He argues that the university has become a no-think tank where students are pushed to work faster and harder and better. And we have no time to think. 

It struck a chord. 

I enjoy going to school and learning. I love my MLIS program. I am excited to become an elementary school librarian. 

But I am being crushed under the institution of the university and our economy. 

Get a degree. Get a job. Work while you're going to school. Have to pay rent, don't you? Better become an officer in a student organisation. Be physically fit. Volunteer. Oh and don't forget those three articles you need to read for tomorrow's class and that group project due at the end of the week. 

My fast world has been crushing my slow world for years now. 

Graduate with your AA by the time you finish high school. Graduate with your bachelors degree two years later. Go straight to grad school. Working part time through most of that. And it still wasn't enough. I was never doing enough. 

This fast world train culminated in a complete mental breakdown last fall. 

I almost killed myself. 

Since then, I've been trying to find the balance between my fast world and slow world. 

Do not misunderstand me. I am completely grateful for my education and I know how blessed. I understand that I am privileged. Countless women around the world have not had the opportunities I've been given. They are part of the reason why I am here. I refuse to take my education for granted. 

But there has to be a balance. Because what I've been doing almost killed me. 

Sometimes I just want to run away to read, write, and make art for the rest of my life. But I also want to continue my education so I can follow my dream of working with youth in libraries. I do want to make some kind of impact. 

I've been trying: self dates, meditation, prayer, gospel choir, reading for fun, writing, painting, listening to music, church, going to concerts. 

And yet, I still have days of extreme anxiousness. Days where I wish I was dead. Days where I lie in bed and try to escape my fast world. 

So. Balance. A place I continually return to. Trying to find balance.