Verb I

I am starting a new short story series titled Verb. It's going to be a collection of short memoir-esque creative nonfiction writings, each about my relationship with a certain verb. Some definite segments include: Apologizing, Running, Sleeping, Crying, Loving, Hoping, Cutting, and a few others.

Today, I am beginning with "Apologizing". This bit was adapted from an earlier short work titled "An Apologetic Nature May Lead to the Loss of One's Identity". Although I want to let this piece stand on its own, I will add that it stems from my ongoing struggles with unjustified guilt and shame and constantly feeling the need to apologize for my existence--a struggle, I'm happy to say, is getting easier. I know quite a few others who can relate to this apologizing battle.

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Apologizing

Can you accept my many apologies? 

Be happy. You're too sad and depressed.

I'm sorry--I'll try to be happy all the time for you. Keep the smile fixed on my face.

Don't worry so much. You're much too anxious about everyone. Focus on fixing your own issues.

I'm sorry--I will try not to worry anymore.

Only think about yourself. You're the only person who can make you happy.

I'm sorry--I'm trying to figure that out.  

Think about others. Don't be so selfish. You never listen to my feelings. You never pay attention to my problems.

I'm sorry--I won't focus on myself at all.

Be independent. You're an adult. 

I'm sorry for being so reliant on you. I'm sorry for thinking I need you so much. 

Talk more. You're so quiet all the time.

I'm sorry--I will try to speak more often. Sorry for never saying what you want me to.

Talk less. Seriously do you ever stop talking?

I'm sorry--I'll shut my mouth. I can stop being too enthusiastic about subjects you don't care about. Sorry for anything I ever said that irritated you or hurt your feelings. Maybe I should stop talking.  I would never want to upset you with anything that came out of my mouth. 

Stop asking so many questions. What's the point?

I'm sorry--I'll stop prying and bugging you too much. I can try to turn my brain off for you.

Be who we want you to be.

I'm sorry for not meeting your expectations. I'm sorry for not being perfect. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm trying.

Be yourself.

I'm sorry. I'm trying.

I'm trying. 

I'm sorry for feeling so guilty all the time. Maybe I can remove all the entirety of my bad qualities: my personality, my habits, my emotions, my thoughts. Become this creature you want me to be. Leave my sorry self behind. 

So sorry.

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And just to lighten the mood a bit, here is a video montage of the Tenth Doctor and his catch phrase "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."

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