Hospital III

Part Two Hospital II: Monday Evening

Tuesday Morning

I need to order breakfast. My first thought of the day.

I am already flooded with anxiety. 

Not that I'm particularly interested in eating but I know I'm supposed to follow all the hospital rules. Positive Self-Care Rule #1: Eat and drink sensibly. That's supposed to help my mood, right?

Through my over-sized door, open halfway "you must keep your door open at all times," I hear the  hospital hum: the murmur of nurses' conversations, beeping machinery, a woman asking to have her vitals taken before she eats breakfast "my blood pressure is always lowest right after I've woken up," the shuffling of feet.

I hop out of bed 

Hop? Well that's new. It's only 7 am and I'm getting out of bed with ease. Compared to the last few months of seeming immobility--being stuck under the covers.

and tiptoe toward my door, still dressed in my Superman shirt and pj pants--no longer held up with a drawstring. "If you want to keep your pajama pants, we'll have to cut off the string, for your own safety."

For my own safety. Of course. 

I peek out into the hallway. I need to order breakfast. I see several people in the dining area near the meal phone.

I go back and sit on my bed.

I walk around my room several times.

I need to order breakfast.

Goodness, when did I get this crazy? Too afraid to leave the room? Honestly. They're just people. Like you. "How come I'm so afraid of people / most people are quite nice people / how come I'm so in love with people / most people are quite stupid people."

I check the hallway again. No one in sight. I quickly walk across the hall to the phone, grabbing a menu on my way. Choosing the first breakfast item I see, my shaky fingers dial the dining code. I hate phones I hate phones I hate phones.

"Thank you for calling Seasons Dining. We're sorry, our phones are currently all busy. Please hold until the next available operator." As a music jingle starts playing, I feel my chest tighten in fear, my stomach twists with panic oh no, oh no hurry up. Please please please.

A fellow patient wanders through the dining area. "Hi." she says.

Oh no okay breathe you're fine this is fine. I smile weakly. "Hi." There that wasn't so bad, right?

Eventually, I am able to order breakfast. A small success. I dash back to my room.

Shower, shampoo, acne face wash, tights and a skirt, tucked in shirt, face lotion, make-up, mousse in hair, cardigan. Putting my human face on. All the steps I have to take to be a person who can exist in real life. Keeping up appearances, even in the hospital.

By the time I'm finished, my food has arrived. Taking a few deep breaths to quell the surge of fear rising through my chest, I take my tray of food and join the two women eating in the dining area. "Hi," I say, my voice nervous and quiet. 

The younger one smiles. "You must be new. Come in last night? Sit with us... we'll tell you all about getting around in this place."

It's a start.