At the beginning of the summer, I was almost hesitant about leaving for camp. Would I make a good counselor? How could I work at camp when I could barely manage my own emotions? What would it be like to be away from my friends and family all summer? How would those relationships change? Should I even be going to camp?
I had so many questions running through my head - so many insecurities.
But just being at Warm Beach is calming for me:
Warm Beach is really my second home. I can't believe how fresh and rejuvenating it is here. So many wonderful new people and my old amazing friends. It's like a whole separate world where nothing but camp matters. I love being Lane again.
We walked through the camp last night and the evening was warm and the sunset gorgeous. Walking/running the trails is one of my favorite activities here. It is so calm, even when there are campers running all over the place. I just want the kids to get here - it's more exciting than orientation. I want to sing songs and run around and play games - I feel so on top of the world when I'm working with the kids. - June 19, 2010
I wanted the kids. For some reason, forming relationships with people both younger and older is easier than people my own age. I was impatient for camp to start because I felt more comfortable with the campers than my fellow counselors.
But God was going to teach me so much more about relationships.
A room full of 18-27 year olds singing goofy camp songs with crazy motions is a beautiful sight to see. Everybody is getting along so well and have so many ideas. I feel so comfortable and at home with all of them already. It's going to be an amazing summer. - June 19, 2010
Already one could sense the incredible summer to come.
During orientation week I made a list of goals:
- Have more regular devos
- Strengthen my trust and faith in God
- Love, love, love
- Give my worries to God
- Have poise (even in emergencies or embarrassing situations)
- Be cheerful
- Take initiative
- Refrain from listening to and repeating gossip
- Be free of emotional outbursts
- Be more emotionally well-rounded
- Have patience
- Have courage - no fear
- "To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble"
- Make new friends and get closer to old ones
- Have fun
- Live, love, laugh
- Make amazing memories and have no regrets
- Don't be afraid to try new things and be outgoing
- Make a difference
It was a very exciting and challenging list for me. But God met me all the way this summer.
First of all there was this amazing staff.
The people here are amazing. Seriously, we've been together for about 2 1/2 days and it's already so much fun and so comfortable - like we've known each other for months. There was so much laughter and love today. So much honesty and real people who are broken but living for God. It's a beautiful thing and so refreshing. - June 20, 2010
Maybe I'm repeating myself but I love these people so much. Today was just another incredible day of bonding. God has really brought together this loving, fun, crazy staff and we just mesh. - June 21, 2010
I love this group. Last night we had an amazing worship time and God is so ridiculously here. So present. And I feel like I've grown up and out exponentially. This week feels like a year.
Prayer walks, sunsets, amazing talks, August Rush, peanut butter and m&m's, tea, hugs, all girls counselors in a cabin, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, sun, grass, straightened
hair, God, love... God. - June 26, 2010
In the first week God started working on me. He was showing me genuine and loving relationships with other Christians (even if I was still rather quiet and never talked much). He was reminding me of his presence. That first week of camp, I felt truly happy and joyful. I hadn't been truly happy since... well, I couldn't remember. He was showing me joy.
And then camp started. The first week was special friends and a CILT week. I ended up being a CILT parent with two other counselors and working with nine high school students. The lesson I learned that week was that God can have the purpose of a friendship be a conversation with someone else - that every hardship is used for the greater good. That week I was able to reach out to two girls because of various situations I had dealt with over the years. Seeing God's plan reach out like that was comforting.
I also started reading through 2 Timothy. Scripture was starting to come alive for me in a way I had never experienced before. As I read 2 Timothy, I felt like Paul was writing the letter to me.
"Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:4-7
(My grandmothers' name is Lois)
Then I left camp to go on a mission trip to Mexico and IYC 2010 with my youth group. Being off camp put me face to face with an issue I didn't really want to deal with. One of my friendships was withering away and I was more angry and upset than I had realized. But Mexico drew me in.
I love this place. Already I can feel a piece of me attaching to the air, the dirt, the people, the sky, the plants. Maybe I'll have to come back here again.
Love having my whole life in front of me. And I don't want to waste a minute.
...
God is teaching me patience continually. And trust. And that laughter is worldwide.
- July 5, 2010
Every time I opened my Bible, there was something about loving your brother and forgiveness. God kept leading me through scripture. He gave me opportunities for good conversations and also some time of manual labor so I could work through all my feelings.
And then Monserrat. This is where the biggest change happened in my life this summer. I'm still not exactly sure what happened or why but God transformed me that day.
There was a baby. Her name was Monserrat. She is the most beautiful and precious baby. Dark thick hair, long black eyelashes, and when she awoke, the most piercing, innocent, and beautiful brown eyes. My heart melted and broke into a million pieces. How can I even begin to explain what I felt holding her. Looking around at the area with no running water or electricity, wondering how she was going to grow up, whether she would have enough food or get an education. Knowing that she might never get the experiences she should, that she might never escape. Will she ever hear about Jesus? Will she know she is loved? Knowing that I had to leaver her behind and go back to my comfortable living situation. I didn't want to let her go, knowing I might never see her again. There was no stopping the tears from streaming down my face. And I can't stop thinking about her.
- July 9, 2010
The week in Mexico was wonderfully transforming. I feel like I fit into mission work like a correct puzzle piece. It was a healing and calming week as well. Needless to say, I remember being sad about leaving but very excited for IYC. I knew based on experience that God was going to do amazing things at the conference.
Throughout the entire summer God continually spoke to me through various and sometimes random means... everywhere I turned He was there. One example was when I was reading The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky.. I stumbled on this passage:
"Go and fear not. Be not bitter against men. Be not angry if you are wronged. Forgive the dead man in your heart what wrong he did you. Be reconciled with him in truth. If you are penitent, you love. And if you love you are of God. All things are atoned for, all things are saved by love. If I, a sinner, even as you are, am tender with you and have pity on you, how much more will God. Love is such a priceless treasure that you can redeem the whole world by it, and expiate not only your sins but the sins of others." ~ Dostoevsky, pg 56
Love and forgiveness were two concepts God kept reinforcing throughout the entire summer.
IYC was incredible. I was reintroduced to the truth and beauty of the Bible. I discovered that God is not only the great Author but also an English major. I rehashed old memories and dealt with the issues most present in my mind. I realized that I am dirt. I saw how God has been there through every low point, and has always, always followed through. I saw how he uses every ill for good. And I played. I let go of all my restrictions and insecurities and played.
And then I was back at camp. Did I mention it was a whirlwind of a summer?
My first week at Day Camp was wonderful. My group of 4-6 year olds kept me on my toes but they were all so adorable and sweet. There's something about their beautifully innocent hearts that touches me in way no one else can. That week I finally knew that I was supposed to be at Warm Beach.
God is so good. He gives and takes away. He has me at Warm Beach for a reason and I know I'm definitely supposed to be here. The trip [to Mexico and IYC] was incredible - everything godsend. He's been speaking to me through Day Camp and people... Beaker told this amazing story about a little girl and her daddy and a pink plastic pearl necklace. God gives us a real pearl necklace. - July 25, 2010
The story I referred to really touched me. I tend to hold onto whatever I think it is I want, not realizing that what God has for me is so much better. For the first time I wanted to let go of my "pink plastic pearl necklace."
My second week of Day Camp was a bit more of a challenge. My patience and love was tested with a particularly difficult camper. I left half way through that week to attend my UW orientation (which was super exciting... I can't wait until school and I definitely know that this is where God wants me to go!)
Family camp was interesting. Early on in the week I was hit with something rather unexpected. But because of everything God had already shown me, I was affected in quite a different way. I remembered my goal of becoming more emotionally well-rounded; God had definitely worked on that goal. Also the constant reminders about love and forgiveness helped as well.
It's been a tough situation, but definitely a learning, humbling experience. Definitely growing. And I've grown so much in the last six weeks. I feel like a new person. No more hiding. - August 4, 2010
But otherwise, family camp was a wonderful time of fellowship, rest, and fun.
After family camp I was supposed to work another week of Day Camp, but another counselor asked if I would switch to overnight for one week. At first, I did not want to trade. At all. I was scared and I still wasn't accustomed to the idea of working overnight. I knew Day Camp like the back of my hand. Overnight was new and terrifying territory.
I was determined to get out of my comfort zone though, so overnight it was...
Overnight camp. I am at overnight camp. I have seven girls. I live in the counselor bed of cabin seven. A part of me can't believe it. - August 8, 2010
Amazing how easily I can switch from being a camper a few years ago to being a counselor. Still write in my journal about the same things like a camper. I am a counselor. And God is working through me.
Crazy exciting. - August 10, 2010
My amazing group of girls taught me a lot that week... once again God taught me through small moments with my campers. Working overnight was a whole new experience that I completely fell in love with. I liked the deeper relationships with my cabin, the conversations, the activities. I loved being able to watch the small changes in all my girls' lives. I also loved working with the overnight staff. Working both day camp and overnight gave me the chance to get to know more people.
I started thinking a lot about relationships that week. Af first I was scared out of my mind. I started thinking about how long it takes me to form friendships and deep relationships with people... how opening up and feeling comfortable takes lots of time... how I'm going off to a brand new place in the fall where I'm starting the whole friend making process all over again.. how I had lost friends and made new ones but was still so unsure about everything. It was all rather daunting.
But God gave me peace and encouragement through several different people. I have been eternally blessed by everyone I worked with this summer.
I got a lot practice packing up my personal belongings and moving around. Moved back up to day camp for a week and then back down to overnight for the very last week. I think that the last week was one of my favorite weeks of the summer.
As I look back at all the goals I made at the beginning of the summer, I see that God has helped me attain them all. I feel so different than I did coming into the summer.. more grown up, more confident, more in love with God than ever.. more in awe of him than ever. In all honesty, all these words cannot do the summer justice. Too much happened. So much love, honesty, joy, challenge, wonder, awe, truth, beauty, faith, trust, learning, growing.. so much.
God is good. God is big. Beautifully good and big.
Doxology
Subdued in a day's work
Heads bowed
Together a song
This reverent synchronization
Breathe between the lines
A unified inhale
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